Routines

The fastest route to new depths, increased prolapses, and punch capacity is through daily or near daily toy play where experimentation and growth is safe and planned. Playing alone allows you to eliminate performance pressure and anxiety.

The gold standard for hole conditioning involves limiting self-play to three toys at a time: an opener, a prodder, and a stretcher:

  • The opener should trigger your hole to accept larger things without creating microtears. This is also known as your warm up toy.
  • The prodder should focus on rectal cavity enlargement, and deeper ring penetration. Tapered dildos work well for these activities. Insert this toy at every angle possible to make sure the all the walls are being stimulated to maximum threshold. This prepares your hole for hand movement within the rectum that does not trigger the reflex to expel rectal contents.
  • The stretcher should challenge both the anal canal and the rectum. This portion of the routine results in desensitivity and increased endurance. Plugs are great for stretchers, but large dildos can also be used if you are already into depth play. Use the stretcher at the end of your play routine. The girth of the plug (or dildo) replicates the fist popping the hole. The duration of time the stretcher is kept within the hole without extraction helps you increase the hand-in-hole time of an actual fisting session.

If the goal is punch fisting, the second toy will likely vary—results are best if it cause gape or helps prolapse development. Squarepeg, Survey of Cosmos, and Topped Toys all have these types of toys. Gape makers are usually bulbous while prolapse developers have a pronounced stem (think tree plugs).

Safety and Sizing

Your play should never force a toy where it doesn’t want to go. Stop if it isn’t going in, especially at the rings.

Remember that holes increase at the millimeter level in both depth and width. Too big of jump between what fits and what doesn’t leads to tearing and surgery. Make sure your toy play routine involves gradual increases in girth and length to prevent injury.

Lubrication

Be cautious about how your lube interacts with toys. PVC toys with silicon lubes is not a match. PEO lubes are safest for all toys.

Viscosity should be extremely high with high adhesion properties, as the hole tends to push lube off during entrance

Toy Restrictions

For fisters, avoid purchasing and using toys that are glass or wood and toys that have no base.

Do not stick a toy in past the base, especially one that can be sucked up past the second ring. Surgery is often needed because the second ring will not relax or act like the first ring. Even extremely talented bottoms should implement this rule. The sigmoid colon has a physiologically characteristic works against toy extraction.  By nature, it pulls content back into it, especially if there is a high amount of fluid inside the colon. This pulling/suction can draw a toy past the second ring. Because the toy is only tapered on the top side of the base, the ring will not expel the toy and surgical intervention is needed.

Stay off Dick Rambone. It’s to firm and if it’s coupled with poppers or other drugs, it’s going to cause a perforation.

Toy Extraction

If a object is stuck, do NOT use tongs, pliers, or spoons to extract an object. You have three options:

  • Ask the Audience
  • Phone A Friend
  • Eliminate Two Wrong Answers

Actually, those are your options on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”. Your options for extraction include:

  • Phoning a friend with a small hand and fisting experience.
  • Filling the bowel with air or water to trigger expulsion, but remember, water sometimes will cause the colon to shift into reverse and suck things in deeper.
  • Taking a muscle relaxer. (This is what the ER will also try first. Often, general anesthesia will just trigger the hole to relax and expel its contents).
  • Having patience and practicing meditation to calm down, but not for more than 24 hours. (At 24 hours, head to the ER).
  • Squatting in the shower (over a towel if it’s a billiard ball) and inhaling poppers.
  • Visiting the ER. Make sure to disclose at the registration desk or triage your real issue. Do not make them guess what is wrong. Explain what you have tried, how experienced your hole is, and that you want all non-surgical options exasperated first.

If you do visit the ER, either tell the truth or come up with a really good story. Here are some examples:

Lame Story:  The Vegetable Garden

I was in my vegetable garden and had been harvesting carrots. One was standing up vertical in the pile. It was hot out, so I took off my clothes. I tripped on my shoe and fell on the vertical carrot.

Lame Story: Head and Shoulders

I was in the shower and slipped and this bottle of “Head and Shoulders” shampoo broke my fall, but got lodged in my butthole at the same time.

Good Story: Crafts and Wild Dogs

I was being chased by a pack of wild dogs who ripped off all my clothing. It was frightening but I finally escaped and used a slinky, three gold Spanish galleons, and a hamster named ‘Mr. Whiskers’ to chase them off. When I got back home, I was so tired I just plopped down on the chair. But I had forgotten that the previous day was CRAFT DAY at my house with my church’s women’s auxiliary group. They had made beaded macrame plant holders and signs that read: “Live, Laugh, Love.” One of them was hammering frames together and apparently left the hammer standing vertical on the chair. I didn’t see it when I sat down because I was so tired after that long chase and epic battle with those dogs and that tyrannosaurus rex. Unfortunately, the hammer just went straight in, all the way up to the head. At first, I was like: “this feels good.” Then I remembered that TV show about ancient aliens. I knew the alien overlords had used hammers to perform all types of satanic acts. I panicked but instead of pulling it out, I accidentally pushed it all the way in, head and all. When you get it out, I’ll need it back because I have to hang “Live, Laugh, Love” signs at the pastor’s house tomorrow morning.

About the author

Finn Vortex has never had a carrot, bottle of Head and Shoulders shampoo, or a nail hammer up his ass. He prefers the ‘Prell’ bottle because of its ergonomic design and a sledgehammer because of its size.

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